Anxiety

Anxiety is the culprit of stress in my life. It is really the only thing that causes me stress. Instead of stressing about a dangerous situation or a looming deadline, i let little unimportant things give me anxiety... though there are only a few things that still can let anxiety have its grip on me. Not today, though. I am not allowing it to affect me anymore. The solution is an unconditional surrender. I wave the white flag of submission to my God and he swoops me and carries me and brings me along. I am still a perpetrator of building my own timeline and i am still a timeline terrorist. I cannot sit in wait and i cannot be patient. I am used to getting what i want, but that changes today, at least for one situation. I surrender my anxiety over this situation and i end my control of the helm right now. I will go back to enjoying the ride like i was just before, and i realize if things in my life are supposed to happen, they will... but not because of my own will. Goodbye anxiety, you have no hold on me today.

The anxiety is building
it's been a long time
since i've felt the desire,
i tell myself i'm fine.

Shaken and stirred
Cracked, but still whole
Like a hardboiled egg
that dropped and then rolled.

i sit in the insanity
tell myself i should worry
He tells me i should stop
He calms me in my fury.

i hear Him in the music
i feel Him in the sound
He calms my rampant heart
i'm subdued by his crown.

The anxiety subsides
I feel better inside
He's the purpose in life
and without Him i've died.

The Earth Sits in Wait

The sawdust, it settles, and all that remains;
A mutilated stump of what once before reigned.
The trees were cut down,
now no more stand tall
for our children or theirs,
we just had to take it all.
Pillaged and plundered are all the little animals
who lost their homes and their food
to our machines and profit scandals.
The earth sits in wait as she is destroyed
Just so little children can have some more toys.

What is wrong with renewable
Or how about recycling?
Why are we ruining her at a rate that is surely frightening.
Would you treat a good friend like this,
Would you take all their stuff
And take and take till you never have enough.
The problem is the people, not a shortage of goods
She's already given all she can:
Food, shelter, and land.

The earth sits in wait to see if we'll notice
Just how sick she is and what we will do.
She tries to give us hints, but we just ignore them.
It's time to wise up and make her clean again.

What the Hell is Wrong with us? (that includes you and me)

Today i was watching the news and it was not what occurred during the news, but during the commercial time that caught my attention. An anti-Meg Whitman ad came on the old tube and complained about her policy for immigration. This a summation of what it said: Meg Whitman and Barack Obama share the same ideas on immigration. She apparently believes illegal immigrants should have to stand at the "back of the line" and "pay a fine". Allegedly, Obama feels the same. The republicans complain that her ideals essentially add up to amnesty.
As you can see, this is an issue for the republican party since they want to build an impenetrable fortress of a fence around our
country. This is where i pose my question: What the hell is wrong with us?

Amnesty- pardoning, grace, reprieve, discharge, etc. Nowhere in either of those two solutions do i see the term amnesty, as it is traditionally defined, being fulfilled through action or idea... though i guess it is never out of question that the government has the ability to redefine a word and say that's what it means now. I mean they redefine all kinds of other rules to fit their own agendas. What is wrong with us?

We are so concerned as a country of regulating and oppressing people that "weren't here to begin with" or are "illegal aliens". We need to swallow our pride and stop being so insensitive. to begin with, it is not like we have a ton of people coming to our country illegally and freeloading. Immigrants come here to work and make money so that their families can live one one-millionth the kind of lifestyle we are privileged enough to have. The solution should be neither making people pay or making so that they get to suffer in their own country while the rest of OUR own little worlds continue to revolve in perfect circles... or so it seems.

What happens when our country fails and we all have to emigrate to other countries for work. What happens when our infrastructure fails and economies collapse and vulnerability and exploitation ensue to chaos. What then will we say? Will be trapped by our own fortress as the rest of the world midns their own business? Why do we continue to turn our backs on those in need simply because we don't see it. The reason we don't see it is because we are ignorant. myself included. I turn a blind eye every day to those in need.

I go to a very affluent school whose students are more than able to give a helping hand financially. That's cool and all, but like the Black Eyed Peas say, "Where is the love?" Where is the care through action? Where is the care through emotional support. God forbid we got our hearts dirty. It's bad enough to give 5 dollars when a disaster strikes. Oh no, now i can't get that burrito i wanted... i'll just have to eat only three meals today. It's dumb and it needs to stop, ASAP. This life is not about who lives in what country or who has the most stuff, it's about who shares what they have, namely love.

I am guilty of being terrible at sharing my love and time with those who need it and i am not saying it is an easy task, but it is the one at hand. We are each called to use our gifts we have been blessed with and to give freely, the love we are capable of giving. The beautiful thing about love is that we all, no matter how materialistically blessed or not, can share this one common thing, and it is a crime not to. So share love with someone today, no matter how big or small of a way you manage to do so... just do it.

This Soul Knew NO Shame

This soul knew no shame... when it was a child and dreams, so vivid and wild, flowed uninhibited and free.
This soul knew no shame... in the days of old when all it cared about was playing and frolicking.
This soul was brought down... by society and thoughts of inhibition, caution, and fear.
This soul was guarded... by guilt, distrust, and thoughts of inadequacy.

As the papers which contained the pent up suggestions of failure and shortcomings burned in a flash, so too was burned the self installed barrier of inadequacy. No longer a slave to the thoughts of my self-destructive mind. No longer bound to the rules of the devil and his mind tricks. Given humanity in my bones, sure i will falter, but with Christ in my soul, I will overcome and flourish. So as the papers burned along with the self inflicted label, "inadequacy" vanishes and i am free to now be willing and able.

This soul is free... by the power of love.
No one tells me who to be
Except my God above.
No one tells me who to be.
I am accounted for and free.

1 Corinthians 4:3-5 (New International Version)

3 I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5 Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

Sustenance and Resistance Don't Live Together... Interesting.

It will not sustain and everything that was has gone
So get away for yourself and try to move on.
Give up your falsely guiding decisions; surrender your soul.
Let go of the devil’s grip, so empty and cold.
She will not help for she is only a temptress
Fabricated to confuse you, she provides nothing but emptiness.

Your eyes, the window to your soul will be open and afraid
But do not fear for Christ will break in and suffer your pain.
The hurt, the heartbreak, the choices and mistakes.
All will be null and void in due course by whom God deployed
Forgiven, will be our wretched fallacies
Cleaned, will be our blood-soaked hands.
Even though we stain them again and again.

I am dissatisfied with this life, and the fault is all my own.
I’ve locked out God and the effects have clearly shown.
Misuse of ability, knowledge, emotion, and time
The offenses are clear and I perpetrate the crimes.
My rights are upheld only by the holy court of three.
Father, Son, and Spirit; Holy Trinity.

Murder and bribery, every day I commit
Though, not in the worldly sense, you see.
I murder opportunities and strangle sound logic
For the chance to toss another monster in the closet.
I bribe myself out of sound decisions.
I fail every day, cutting another metaphorical incision.

The saddest part of all is that I am too numb.
Too numb to realize who I hurt by being selfish
Too numb to let my heart be dealt with.
Like a patient trying to remove an I.V
I squirm and try to defeat what’s helping me.
It’s time to relight the barely burnt wick,
It’s time to stop pretending
Like a person who fakes sick.

So Lord, Please break and enter
Because I need you at the center.
I can’t muster the courage to open the gate
So what do I do now; I know it’s not wait.

You are the only thing keeping me from dying
Though I am never too far from flat lining.

With My Head In The Clouds, I Am Just Fine For Now.

With so much love in this world
Who decides who gets more and who gets less?
I am supposed to give and not care to recieve
Although, when it comes to love i find that a hard rule to believe.

Every human heart, every living soul,
whether young or old,
Craves a heart to have and a hand to hold.
A smile to see every morning when we awake
an encouraging voice when we make a mistake.
A body to embrace and dreams to kindle
everyone wants a love that'll never dwindle.
Love should be beautiful and awe-inspiring
but lately has often turned to a chore, sad and tiring.

People discourage efforts of love simply cuz their's failed,
but why do i have to believe that love will go stale?
Who are they to tell us we can't win?
I refuse to accept that i can't be happy within.

I will find a heart to chase
to pursue and take in a passionate race.
For better for worse and all those other lines;
all that really matters is that she will be mine
and i, likewise, hers.

It's got not a lot to do with the words i say
but rather more about the actions i purvey.
Love is a commitment which must be renewed every single day
I won't always do my best, but please let me stay.
For while i know a heart is only so big,
it constantly grows; a new challenge, a new kid.

I know it might seem like my head is in the clouds...
It is, and i don't plan ever to come down.
Someday someone will join me up here
Oh, it will be a view to see and endear.

Despite what you think, I'm not a hopeless romantic
rather i prefer the description hopefully romantic.
Cuz i know that in good time i will find my way
I know i'll find my love, and i will have my day.

Snails on the periphery

Yesterday i was having lunch with a friend and mentor. Though we discussed many thing such as Human trafficking, Racism, Globalization, Exploitation, and just life in general, one thing stuck with me more than the rest. It was a simple statement, and it went like this: "We need to view the world through the point of view of the periphery." Now, jump ahead in time eight hours as i am leaving my grandparents house after dinner. I walk out of the door and there are two snails chillin' on the door frame. As i saw them i thought, "no doubt grandma will throw them in the street when she finds them in the morning." My grandmother is an avid gardner and snails are no doubt a sworn enemy to her life long love of foliage. As this is the case,she would not be happy if she read this: I picked the snails up off the door frame and lovingly placed them in her flowers so that they should have something to eat that night. If i had left them there, on the door, they would have likely never found food and therefore gone hungry.
Snails are the periphery. Snails are at the will of others. They must go where they are not wanted so that they may survive. People think of them as intruders, when really they were there first... we just decided to change the environment and call it our own. Even if we do call the environment our own, should we really deny life simply so we can have a few more nice flowers? Now i realize for most, this example may seem farfetched and impossible to see in any kind of an emotionally tugging light, and that is ok. The fact of the matter sill stands that snails are, often times, at the mercy of humans. We can choose to throw them in the street, pour salt on them and watch them die slowly, or we can give them grace and direct them somewhere where they might be fed and have a place to live. Snails are a perfect example of the periphery. Sorry Grandma.

Self-Esteem Roller

Self-esteem is a delicate aspect of life, especially when in a transitional phase. One day can be amazing and the next, a nightmare. Sometimes, not unlike tonight, only a simple, small, unintentional occurrence can deal quite a blow to confidence and the like. I don't understand how a human, such as myself, is conditioned to convince himself that something so simple should have the privilege of dropping him down a peg or two. My worth has absolutely nothing to do with the thoughts or actions of others. So when a friend doesn't feel well and decides to relax and recuperate, resulting in the falling through of plans, why should i get upset? Rather, i should be empathetic, since there have been times where i have felt likewise, and understand the situation. However, i decided to let me convince myself that it was an incident worth making me feel a tiny bit less confident. Wrong. Self-esteem rollers, as i call them are incidences that are poisonous and created in the psyche. Self-esteem rollers should not exist and if we weren't cultured to place values on things and having everything go a certain way, then life would be so much easier. So, instead of sulking about it, i will find something else to do and know that no ill was meant and that a huge factor of life is grace, which is not only meant to be received, but given as well. It's a lesson in humility, not how to take one's self down. No more self-esteem rollers.

The Broken Boy's Anthem

This is what i feel to be an anthem of my life. As often as i try, i am never going to be perfect and I need grace, mercy, and love to fill the void. This is my prayer.

This life of mine is not on Your track.
This i know as a matter of fact.
I am broken, torn, bloodied, and bruised
Yet you still desire me, and so i must choose
To better this life and get back on the horse
Or to stay lukewarm and let life run its course.

I choose the former of the two,
This life shall be guided not by me, but you.
Pick me up when i am weary,
Don't let me wander off,
Keep hold of my heart and help me see clearly
For when the blind lead the blind, life will stop.
Living water, bread of life,
Through all times easy or strife
Sustain me and pull me through
Keep me close and take me home
Forever, Eternal rest with you.

I'll never be perfect or try to convince myself i am getting close, but i will live my life knowing it was given to me by the host.