Pulling Strings

This morning, while on my way to Walgreen's to get some Cold Medicine, i was stopped at an intersection, somewhat expectedly, by a red light. As i was sitting in my car listening to Lil' Wayne, a homeless man gazed at me, nodded, and simply went back to holding his sign without saying a word... mind you, my windows were already down. His sign said something along the lines of him being a veteran and contained the specific years during which he served (92'-96'). I sat for a second, took three dollars out of my pocket, and gestured for him to come get it. He took it from me thankfully and said, "Thank you sir, you have a nice day." As he began to return to his post on the curb, i asked him what his name was. Quickly he turned around and said, "Kenny. I served in the...(i can't recall which number he claimed) airborne". Still unsure whether i had given money to a respectable vet or a fraudulent drunk or any of the other million identities in between he could have possessed, i wished him a nice day and upon that walked back to the median and sat down. The light turned green shortly thereafter and i continued on my way to Walgreen's. While driving back past him on the way back to school, he was scarfing down a plate of food he had just purchased from somewhere. For reasons i can not describe, my eyes began to well up, as they are now while i write. I had I had a similar experience to this last year in OB, but i think my heart was in a different place this time. It caught me off guard, but more than that, it made me realize that regardless of this guys true identity, he is a hungry homeless man who just wanted some food. I don't know this guys life story, but i sure wish i did. It made me wonder why so few people care to help those who really need it. Sure, not every person you try to help will recover or get off the streets, but it is our job and our calling to help those in need. Just to clarify, i am calling myself out, too. Giving three dollars of my spare change to some guy is a good start to build a relationship, but as soon as i drove off, bought some stuff, went back to the comfort of my dorm, and then never thought twice about Kenny again, as will likely happen after i am done writing this... it is not enough. I could not avoid seeing him when i stopped. I did not go out of my way to love someone i would have otherwise never even known existed, or cared about it for that matter, My point is that we, as humans, have had a serious break down somewhere along the lines of prioritizing what matters most. I think that marginalized people, in our own country and others, should be much higher up on the TO DO, or in this case, TO HELP list, than all of our own preoccupations we like to call more important than all else.

What Am I?

What are my words worth if i don't know how to use them?
What are my thoughts worth if i only abuse them?
What is my heart for if it is always broken?
What is my life for if i don't allow the spirit to be spoken?

My life is invaluable, for i am a creation
A concept, a fact, a reason for libation.
No one can take life away from this soul
For when i am done breathing, there's more story to be told.
I have very few friends, but it doesn't really matter
Since i love those few despite how far we scatter.

I'm better than i've been, this much i know.
The light had been seen and i see it yet once more.
With this, i know which direction i shall go
It shall be forward and my heart is restored.

What are my words worth if i use them for good?
What are my thoughts worth if i use them as i could?
What is my heart for if it is mended by God?
What is my life for if i allow the spirit to be brought?

A whole more than i can currently fathom
It shall be so if i allow myself to have HIM.

Two Chapels and a Night Alone.

Initially, i was upset that i found myself spending this rainy saturday night by myself. However, now i couldn't be happier. As i am reflecting on the week prior to tonight, and the text my brother sent me nearly a week ago, i am realizing that i have seen God move in my life this week and the process of feeling connected to Him is occurring faster than i anticipated. This week during both chapels, i felt my heart beating fast and getting nervous. It was during the short periods of time where i allowed my heart to be quiet and just listen. It is scary since i have not openly let God dwell in my heart for quite some time, though this week was not on par with a normal week in accordance to those of the last year or so.
As i spent a lot of time keeping to myself this week, i have been able to contemplate what it is i want out of life and why i think i have been placed where i am. Tonight i found myself all alone watching "Hurt Locker", which is an amazing film... though i still have 30 minutes left to watch. I stopped the movie and sat in darkness for about five minutes. I was and still am restless and started rifling through ideas for things i could do to pass time. Read, write, watch, listen, workout, go to the market... the only things i could come up with that i wanted to do was dwell in the darkness of my dorm and contemplate God in my life. After doing this for about twelve minutes i began to read. I had to turn on the light in my room to do so. Upon turning on the desk light, i felt empowered, as if this great power had come over me. An ability to care. I read two chapters of "Crazy Love" with my heart into the story and i got something out of it. I got something out of God. I felt like He was listening to me when i thought about Him. Like he was there.
This week has been so below average socially, yet so immensely significant in a way that trumps social life 1,000,000 to one (there is no infinity sign on my keyboard. As more things occur in my life, they will be portrayed in a much more brief manner so that the few people that may scan this blog do not have to work so hard. This is a good time, though i do not regret the last year of dilly-dallying. I was luke warm until spain, freezing cold while there and returned in the same fashion, and if it were not for that i would not be getting hot right now. Experiences are how i learn and this time is no different. Good Night

Another Week Gone, Another Lesson Learned.

Hardly able to remember specifics about each individual day due to the intense speed of time, this week has seemed relatively average, with the exception of sunday night. The weather had finally warmed up as my brother and i moseyed from the back door to the jacuzzi. As we got in he asked me, as usual, how i was doing. I said, "Eh, alright, i guess...". My indifferent response was followed up by, "Dude, i don't get it." After a long, round about conversation, he came to the conclusion that i was, in fact, not doing my best to be the best i can. I agreed but admitted, i knew not what to do to change that, though i have felt like i am moving in the right direction since i have returned from Spain. Going to bed satisfied from the legitimate talk and the great feeling of being covered in chlorine, the topic was left untouched for the remainder of the weekend, and i slept soundly. However, i do not think the conversation ever stopped being a topic of importance for Payton as i received a text upon returning to school monday night. It was regarding me, and i was not ready for it. Payton stated he would be praying for me and that he hoped i would see God move in my life this week. Well he got his wish.

Passionate Positions

No matter where i am in life i want to have passion.
No matter what i do in this life i want to share my ration.
No matter when i die i want to live like its my last day.
No matter how often my heart breaks i want to give it all the way.

The passion is important because it's the source of my fire.
The passion is the basis for my life choices and desires.
The passion gives me strength when i'm down and out.
The passion is my sun that breaks through the clouds.

The ration is to be shared with those who have less.
The ration is not what i earn but the result of me being blessed.
The ration feeds me spiritually, physically, and mentally.
The ration is God and what he has meant to me.

I want to live for today but remember the day before
Where i was is as vital as where i currently explore.
I want to live like i am dying
Being real whether it means laughing or crying.

My heart will always be worn on my sleeve
My heart will occasionally be torn and i will grieve.
My heart will be vulnerable, which is scary
My heart will one day belong to the beautiful woman i marry.

No matter where i am in life i want to have passion.
No matter what i do in this life i want to share my ration.
No matter when i die i want to live like its my last day.
No matter how often my heart breaks i want to give it all the way.

Goodly

I wish that i could write goodly
To describe all the things and times i see
With words and phrases so eloquently.
I could dazzle or even dare to impress
Oh, the beautiful things that i could stress!

Verbs, nouns, and even adjectives
If only i knew where they currently live
I could find them and use them
Of course, never to abuse them...
Still, i just don't know where they dwell!

So stunningly sweet, so soulfully symphonic
Sometimes with love and others plutonic.
Would be my words if i could write good and honest.
Writing with whatever whimsical whists
Action packed plots or emotional twists
Though still the original problem exists
If only i could write goodly.

Some Days

Some days are for trying and some are not.
Today was a day for trying and i feel like an astronaut.
I could fly to space, i could pick up waste
It really would not matter.
I loved my life today and showed it in every way.
I tried to cheer up others and see the good in things.
I tried to be a model and not pull people's strings.

Yesterday i didn't want to talk, i wanted to be alone.
I sat inside and thought about life
Worked on homework just like a drone
Thought conceptually about pain and strife
All the while not caring about anything.

There are days for me to comfort.
There are days for me to be comforted.
There are days for me to smile
There are days for people to make me smile.
There are days for me to love
There are days for me to be loved.
There are days for me to cry
There are days for me to laugh
There are days for me to succeed
There will be a day for me to be succeeded
There was a day when i came
There will be a day for me to go.
Since that is not today
I will take advantage of this time and grow.

(A)lone(ly)

I am sick, I am tired
My life shall soon expire
But I'm cheerful and still i have hope.
With a limp in my walk,
An absent voice when i talk
My hand still works so i'll write.

I experience the void completely alone
With no one to comfort or hold me,
I can think of this life i have known.
There were ups, there were downs
As i smiled and frowned
But with my roots in the ground
I was never brought down.

I remember my children
God rest their souls.
I remember my wife;
Our love in the days of old.
My brother and sister
How he and i missed her
And now he too, is gone.

I though, must stay at least for today
Until this pen has no ink
Until these eyes cannot blink.
When my day is done
I will know i have won
For i loved with my heart
The creator and his son set apart.

Not much longer alone.
I had ups, i had downs.
Oh, i can feel it in my bones
I believe my time is now.

With that he died a peaceful death
Forever unto eternal rest.

Smile

Happy friday. this video is so great! I read about it in the paper this morning and i hope i am like this when i am old.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIsLsDXXJUE. My links are not posting so you have to copy and paste, SOrry!

Music

Music is beautiful and opportunity for people to express themselves. This video, which i have posted the link for, is amazing. It is "Please Don't Go" by Barcelona and it will give you the chills. Listen to it. Also, check out Brothers at Sea on purevolume.com... they are rad. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7deClndzQw

I Found Out Artistic Licenses are Given to Anyone

My newfound passion is painting, and like surfing, it is something i do purely for the enjoyment of it. I find it to be therapeutic in much the same way many middle aged people might feel about gardening. At any rate, here is one of my two first canvas paintings. Tienes un buen dia.

The reminders

I was reminded this morning that if you want something done right and thoroughly, you not only have to commit to doing it, but you have to commit each day. Each time we set foot on the cold morning floor as we briskly, or perhaps not so briskly, step out of bed in the morning, we have to recommit to the ideal of reaching that goal. For me this is apparent in that if i do not start my day off thinking about achieving my goal then i will not look for opportunities to live it out during the day. This is something i wrote as a conclusion of being sick in an apartment this past New Year's Eve, in Paris.

The streets are lined with pain and injustice
So many perpetrators, no one will trust us.
None are guilt-free and all are involved
from lovers to fighters; for right or for wrong.
We are all evildoer's, though not bound to the trend;
We have free will; He has paid the dividend.

We are set free through death
but in death there is life.
We can die to ourselves and our human caused strife.
Not required to be slaves or servants
daily choices we are given.
The love, the life, the joy the spirit;
inside us it is living.

Wake up tomorrow and make your adjudication.
Resolve to love, to live to serve, to strengthen your foundation.
Yeah, you'll fail but on the scale you're heart is the true tale
We live to learn and learn to teach
So pass the word and get off the streets.