I Have To Open My Eyes to Start Seeing

The seasons, the times, the weather and wear, have stripped away my seemingly impenetrable varnish. I once thought myself whole, but in reality, am only hole.
There is a hole in my heart, a hole in my soul trying to be filled by various things of my control.
The stumbling block from where I start is the scheme to control the condition of my heart.
Trying to steer the rudder on my own. Trying to grow under conditions, which formerly none have grown.
My case is no different. I am no miracle child. Worldly ways will not grow me, though more often than not I choose not to heed
The gap between here and there is neither here nor there, but all too important to how I poorly fair.
There are trials and tests, which are consistently failed, my life and blunders, by which I am constantly ailed.
I have seen the good road and it runs away from me, or so I like to think. The truth is, I run from it. It is not going anywhere for it is inanimate, but I can move if I want to, for I often have managed it.
The truth is my savior, but who is that to be? Numbness and carelessness or pain through which we shared all this? Or the pain of life and the sorrow of sin, the light of the true soul shone out from in.
All these we include in what often consists of interlude, though a pause in this scene is unproductive and naïve.
We give up our vigor for substance and a fake sense of fulfillment. We become blind and lead the blind instead being the leader of the line.
Shambles and disgrace, the continued corruption of the human race, all by our hands if we choose to sit and wait.
To wait until the end without consideration of the poor. Consideration of the sick, the uneducated, the robber, or the whore.
When we decide not to ignore we see the repercussions of our moral deformity. The scars the scabs, the cuts, the ulcers, in our hearts as it oozes and pulses.
The end is near but consists of beauty. We live our lives burdened with duty. We can pretend we don’t see it to numb the pain, or we can each be solutions never spent in vain.
I haven’t figured it out and I still have questions, but my purpose is clear whilst I pass through intersections. I will pass each new task with a cautious eye, an open heart, and open mind, no more actions gone awry.
My resolve may save me, but my human likeness may kill me. In the end he keeps no score, he will replenish and fulfill me.

6-16-10

A While

Its been a while since we last talked and some time has surely passed. It's been a while since we last walked together in the sun and light. It's been some time since we've communicated, but i don't worry, you know me and our relation has not dissipated. I've been hiding in caves, holes, and under water, breathing through a tube... i can't do it any longer. I came up and you spotted me and saved me. You carried me to shore, made me rest and gave me food. You deal with my flaws when nobody else should. The day that i die, is the day you say i'm alive and until then, together we ride. Switching directions like the wind, i am never consistent. My habits, thoughts, and humanity make me less than desirable as an apprentice or employee, but you hire me anyway. You give me something to believe in and someone to follow and a reason. A reason to wake up with a smile on my face even when i have finals and tests all in my face. This world goes on even after i'm gone and you make that clear when i try and pretend i am important. Humility and purity, selfless love, and the lot, at these you are good, but always, i am not. Still we roll on until the next dawn. How many more sunrises though, i don't know. It's not for me to say so i suppose i'll live in your shadow one more day. One more day as the lost lamb, though at the end of it all i'm the prodigal son. Lost and found, lost and found. Again and again, like a merry-go-round. We dance in circles and i try to escape, my legs are always tired and my mind gets wary. I can't keep up with your pace and feel life's a race. You sit me down and tell me that, that is not my place. I am a slow runner so why do i try and win. It's time to switch gears and help those within. Those who can't finish the race because they can't run. It's my turn to carry them and let them feel the wind on their face. I've enjoyed the luxuries the world has to offer and they are nothing compared to the love of you, my father. So for at least a day i am found again. Until i'm lost next, let's talk and instill. Even though i can't focus, i promise i will try to listen and sit still.

No sleep, can't speak, knees weak, tryin'a see.
Good Day, Good Lord, Early Morning, Long Stored.
Been waiting, anticipating. now it comes, one large sum.
Days are numbered, i waste on slumber.
Can't smell, can't hear. Quickly, instill fear.
Keep on living, lovely earth. One more day, what's life worth?
The end is coming, i'm surely doomed.
All terminal sinners, eternally subdued.
So, take us from here and make our slates clear.

5-25-10

You're the same as the rest.

An excerpt from a thought rant i was on a few nights ago:

The view from up here is stunning.
The little people with their guns, all running.
Slowly they die as they kill and fight
All over the field, i can see their insides.
We sit and drink tea and have a scone;
We are the only two left when everyone is dead or gone.
War is a glorious way to die.
For one's country, but no, not i...
No, I sit and drink tea with a scone.

What is war good for? Why do the high-ups never have to get their hands dirty and why are they worth more than anyone else. I apologize if you have an affinity for the military and are reading this, but how much of it is really, really necessary. I was at Camp Pendleton yesterday and watched countless copters fly by and tanks rumble down the beach, meanwhile the hovercrafts were running parallel to shore. How much money does that place spend every day on excessive drills and playing with toys so that they can say they are being productive. Why doesn't the military give to the community and impact the local area for the better while they are not deployed. I am not saying the military should not exist. They potentially sacrifice their lives to save ours, i just think they have better things to be doing while they are at home... and if they are about promoting the free and prosperous lifestyle, why not help people who are not prospering. You want more government programs, why don'y you enact something that will help us instead of simply making more corporations government owned so that they can still never make up for the federal deficit. Our countries morals are upside down and their definitions for things are misguided. If we can't do it right, who will? It's kind of a somber thought when you think into the thick of it. There are thousands of people who cant eat every day in this country, yet our military spends a lifetimes worth of food for a person on a quarter mile tank drill ,in gas. I'm just asking for us to be a little bit more considerate to those around us... and it should start with the government. The "leading example (arguable)" of our great nation.

Sourgrass

Thrillingly soft yet stunningly sweet
The sourgrass tells of they meet.
A reminder of times much simpler than now
When they cared a lot less and frolicked about.
The days of warm wind and sweet salty air
Sitting on the cliffs, the wind blew her hair.
The bluish-green eyes that glanced to the blue.
Exchange of subtle looks, he tries to keep cool.

He walks away and she wonders where
As he soon returns with an all too cool heir.
Revealing a bouquet of sourgrass to her,
He says, "here try it" she says, "are you sure?"
"Just try it, you'll like it, i know."
"Oh my! So sour, where does it grow?"
"All over the cliffs this time of year,
Little yellow flowers, there's some over here."

Now she thinks of it every time she sees him,
And every time he sees it, he's reminded of her.
He wonders if the outcome will be happy or grim.
Thinking and predicting, he could never be sure.
All he could know is what was the case...
The sourgrass will always remind him of her cute face.

Though, now 20 years has passed.
He remembers not when he saw her last.

3-30-10

Euphoria

Beauty, Essence, Wind, and Salt.
When you are here your whole world stops.
Now go below.
Kelp so long and mollusks abound.
Simply breath taking sights; never a sound.
Sand runs wild, reproducing at an ever increasing rate.
You can hardly keep track as it forever dissipates.
The mind moves so slow; all you think is what you see.
Simple, subtle, slow. Backlit beauty.

Brothers

The Devil and God are Raging Inside of Me.
Nobody said it better than Brand New.
At no point in time has it ever been more true.
Six months ago it was only the devil.
A year before that it was only God.
They've both got me now, in a state of slipshod.
Obviously i prefer to serve one over the other
But i combine the sides and ration;
I need my brother.

A heart that only knows God
with a mind that's shunned the devil.
This child of Christ shines light all over.
He's on another level.
This kid is my brother; and he is a gift.
His love has one goal and it never shifts.
For him it is not a means to an end.
He's simply a lover of the broken;
A passionate friend.
Whether you are whole, shattered, or bent.

Payton Randall Beckman,
Unbeknownst to him, his big brothers role model.
Surf, guitar, and a passion for arts.
Payton, my brother, from the bottom of my heart.
Payt, Paydin, Paytie, little bro, and Gator.
I Love You and thank you;
See you sooner than later.

Notes of Inspiration

The music, it pulses, it's the blood in my veins, coupled with Christ's love, at this moment, it is all my soul desires and craves. It induces mental states that vary from one extreme to the other. Thought provoking songs and sing-a-longs. Some make me think and some make me realize how much i lack or what i am good at. It is through words that are not, in fact my own, that feelings are realized and my heart strings are exercised. Some remind me of friends and some remind me of relationships that are now dead ends. "The time is now" reminds me of my father... and the one i have in heaven too. Music is beautiful and descriptive, easily a tool. A reminder of childhood and a marker of time, a teller of seasons, and a giver of reasons. It soothes my soul and gets me fired up. It encourages my depression and lends a helping hand. It is the most powerful, intangible thing in the world until it is given life when it becomes responsible for actions of beauty... and sometimes actions of wanton disregard for myself and those i love. It forms new beliefs and it reaffirms old ones. Music is an identifier, but it is not my identity. It is uninhibited and free to caress, free to give, take, and bless. Music is just that, a series of sounds and words put together. Each song different in the unique way it occurs. Music, it pulses, it's the blood in my veins, coupled with Christ's love, at this moment, it is all my soul desires and craves.

Ha-Ha-Ha...Ha

Everything was good and fine
We were just havin' a grand ol' time.
Sittin' in spas and cimbing hills
We we are just bein' really chill.
Then you purposely pissed me off
It was really unattractive, girl you need to stop.
Cut the attitude cuz it's really rude
and it sure as hell doesn't make you cute.
So act your age and be mature
Uh, oh yeah and don't be so sure...
So sure that no matter what you do
I will still feel the same about you.
Cuz i'm a good guy and i treat girls good
And won't settle for one who doesn't treat me like she should.
You have a good heart and i think you are nice
But the way you are acting makes me think twice.
So in conclusion, yeah you're cute
But in conclusion, i'm getting fed up
And in conclusion, i'm ready to scoot.

Anxiety

Anxiety is the culprit of stress in my life. It is really the only thing that causes me stress. Instead of stressing about a dangerous situation or a looming deadline, i let little unimportant things give me anxiety... though there are only a few things that still can let anxiety have its grip on me. Not today, though. I am not allowing it to affect me anymore. The solution is an unconditional surrender. I wave the white flag of submission to my God and he swoops me and carries me and brings me along. I am still a perpetrator of building my own timeline and i am still a timeline terrorist. I cannot sit in wait and i cannot be patient. I am used to getting what i want, but that changes today, at least for one situation. I surrender my anxiety over this situation and i end my control of the helm right now. I will go back to enjoying the ride like i was just before, and i realize if things in my life are supposed to happen, they will... but not because of my own will. Goodbye anxiety, you have no hold on me today.

The anxiety is building
it's been a long time
since i've felt the desire,
i tell myself i'm fine.

Shaken and stirred
Cracked, but still whole
Like a hardboiled egg
that dropped and then rolled.

i sit in the insanity
tell myself i should worry
He tells me i should stop
He calms me in my fury.

i hear Him in the music
i feel Him in the sound
He calms my rampant heart
i'm subdued by his crown.

The anxiety subsides
I feel better inside
He's the purpose in life
and without Him i've died.

The Earth Sits in Wait

The sawdust, it settles, and all that remains;
A mutilated stump of what once before reigned.
The trees were cut down,
now no more stand tall
for our children or theirs,
we just had to take it all.
Pillaged and plundered are all the little animals
who lost their homes and their food
to our machines and profit scandals.
The earth sits in wait as she is destroyed
Just so little children can have some more toys.

What is wrong with renewable
Or how about recycling?
Why are we ruining her at a rate that is surely frightening.
Would you treat a good friend like this,
Would you take all their stuff
And take and take till you never have enough.
The problem is the people, not a shortage of goods
She's already given all she can:
Food, shelter, and land.

The earth sits in wait to see if we'll notice
Just how sick she is and what we will do.
She tries to give us hints, but we just ignore them.
It's time to wise up and make her clean again.

What the Hell is Wrong with us? (that includes you and me)

Today i was watching the news and it was not what occurred during the news, but during the commercial time that caught my attention. An anti-Meg Whitman ad came on the old tube and complained about her policy for immigration. This a summation of what it said: Meg Whitman and Barack Obama share the same ideas on immigration. She apparently believes illegal immigrants should have to stand at the "back of the line" and "pay a fine". Allegedly, Obama feels the same. The republicans complain that her ideals essentially add up to amnesty.
As you can see, this is an issue for the republican party since they want to build an impenetrable fortress of a fence around our
country. This is where i pose my question: What the hell is wrong with us?

Amnesty- pardoning, grace, reprieve, discharge, etc. Nowhere in either of those two solutions do i see the term amnesty, as it is traditionally defined, being fulfilled through action or idea... though i guess it is never out of question that the government has the ability to redefine a word and say that's what it means now. I mean they redefine all kinds of other rules to fit their own agendas. What is wrong with us?

We are so concerned as a country of regulating and oppressing people that "weren't here to begin with" or are "illegal aliens". We need to swallow our pride and stop being so insensitive. to begin with, it is not like we have a ton of people coming to our country illegally and freeloading. Immigrants come here to work and make money so that their families can live one one-millionth the kind of lifestyle we are privileged enough to have. The solution should be neither making people pay or making so that they get to suffer in their own country while the rest of OUR own little worlds continue to revolve in perfect circles... or so it seems.

What happens when our country fails and we all have to emigrate to other countries for work. What happens when our infrastructure fails and economies collapse and vulnerability and exploitation ensue to chaos. What then will we say? Will be trapped by our own fortress as the rest of the world midns their own business? Why do we continue to turn our backs on those in need simply because we don't see it. The reason we don't see it is because we are ignorant. myself included. I turn a blind eye every day to those in need.

I go to a very affluent school whose students are more than able to give a helping hand financially. That's cool and all, but like the Black Eyed Peas say, "Where is the love?" Where is the care through action? Where is the care through emotional support. God forbid we got our hearts dirty. It's bad enough to give 5 dollars when a disaster strikes. Oh no, now i can't get that burrito i wanted... i'll just have to eat only three meals today. It's dumb and it needs to stop, ASAP. This life is not about who lives in what country or who has the most stuff, it's about who shares what they have, namely love.

I am guilty of being terrible at sharing my love and time with those who need it and i am not saying it is an easy task, but it is the one at hand. We are each called to use our gifts we have been blessed with and to give freely, the love we are capable of giving. The beautiful thing about love is that we all, no matter how materialistically blessed or not, can share this one common thing, and it is a crime not to. So share love with someone today, no matter how big or small of a way you manage to do so... just do it.

This Soul Knew NO Shame

This soul knew no shame... when it was a child and dreams, so vivid and wild, flowed uninhibited and free.
This soul knew no shame... in the days of old when all it cared about was playing and frolicking.
This soul was brought down... by society and thoughts of inhibition, caution, and fear.
This soul was guarded... by guilt, distrust, and thoughts of inadequacy.

As the papers which contained the pent up suggestions of failure and shortcomings burned in a flash, so too was burned the self installed barrier of inadequacy. No longer a slave to the thoughts of my self-destructive mind. No longer bound to the rules of the devil and his mind tricks. Given humanity in my bones, sure i will falter, but with Christ in my soul, I will overcome and flourish. So as the papers burned along with the self inflicted label, "inadequacy" vanishes and i am free to now be willing and able.

This soul is free... by the power of love.
No one tells me who to be
Except my God above.
No one tells me who to be.
I am accounted for and free.

1 Corinthians 4:3-5 (New International Version)

3 I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5 Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

Sustenance and Resistance Don't Live Together... Interesting.

It will not sustain and everything that was has gone
So get away for yourself and try to move on.
Give up your falsely guiding decisions; surrender your soul.
Let go of the devil’s grip, so empty and cold.
She will not help for she is only a temptress
Fabricated to confuse you, she provides nothing but emptiness.

Your eyes, the window to your soul will be open and afraid
But do not fear for Christ will break in and suffer your pain.
The hurt, the heartbreak, the choices and mistakes.
All will be null and void in due course by whom God deployed
Forgiven, will be our wretched fallacies
Cleaned, will be our blood-soaked hands.
Even though we stain them again and again.

I am dissatisfied with this life, and the fault is all my own.
I’ve locked out God and the effects have clearly shown.
Misuse of ability, knowledge, emotion, and time
The offenses are clear and I perpetrate the crimes.
My rights are upheld only by the holy court of three.
Father, Son, and Spirit; Holy Trinity.

Murder and bribery, every day I commit
Though, not in the worldly sense, you see.
I murder opportunities and strangle sound logic
For the chance to toss another monster in the closet.
I bribe myself out of sound decisions.
I fail every day, cutting another metaphorical incision.

The saddest part of all is that I am too numb.
Too numb to realize who I hurt by being selfish
Too numb to let my heart be dealt with.
Like a patient trying to remove an I.V
I squirm and try to defeat what’s helping me.
It’s time to relight the barely burnt wick,
It’s time to stop pretending
Like a person who fakes sick.

So Lord, Please break and enter
Because I need you at the center.
I can’t muster the courage to open the gate
So what do I do now; I know it’s not wait.

You are the only thing keeping me from dying
Though I am never too far from flat lining.

With My Head In The Clouds, I Am Just Fine For Now.

With so much love in this world
Who decides who gets more and who gets less?
I am supposed to give and not care to recieve
Although, when it comes to love i find that a hard rule to believe.

Every human heart, every living soul,
whether young or old,
Craves a heart to have and a hand to hold.
A smile to see every morning when we awake
an encouraging voice when we make a mistake.
A body to embrace and dreams to kindle
everyone wants a love that'll never dwindle.
Love should be beautiful and awe-inspiring
but lately has often turned to a chore, sad and tiring.

People discourage efforts of love simply cuz their's failed,
but why do i have to believe that love will go stale?
Who are they to tell us we can't win?
I refuse to accept that i can't be happy within.

I will find a heart to chase
to pursue and take in a passionate race.
For better for worse and all those other lines;
all that really matters is that she will be mine
and i, likewise, hers.

It's got not a lot to do with the words i say
but rather more about the actions i purvey.
Love is a commitment which must be renewed every single day
I won't always do my best, but please let me stay.
For while i know a heart is only so big,
it constantly grows; a new challenge, a new kid.

I know it might seem like my head is in the clouds...
It is, and i don't plan ever to come down.
Someday someone will join me up here
Oh, it will be a view to see and endear.

Despite what you think, I'm not a hopeless romantic
rather i prefer the description hopefully romantic.
Cuz i know that in good time i will find my way
I know i'll find my love, and i will have my day.

Snails on the periphery

Yesterday i was having lunch with a friend and mentor. Though we discussed many thing such as Human trafficking, Racism, Globalization, Exploitation, and just life in general, one thing stuck with me more than the rest. It was a simple statement, and it went like this: "We need to view the world through the point of view of the periphery." Now, jump ahead in time eight hours as i am leaving my grandparents house after dinner. I walk out of the door and there are two snails chillin' on the door frame. As i saw them i thought, "no doubt grandma will throw them in the street when she finds them in the morning." My grandmother is an avid gardner and snails are no doubt a sworn enemy to her life long love of foliage. As this is the case,she would not be happy if she read this: I picked the snails up off the door frame and lovingly placed them in her flowers so that they should have something to eat that night. If i had left them there, on the door, they would have likely never found food and therefore gone hungry.
Snails are the periphery. Snails are at the will of others. They must go where they are not wanted so that they may survive. People think of them as intruders, when really they were there first... we just decided to change the environment and call it our own. Even if we do call the environment our own, should we really deny life simply so we can have a few more nice flowers? Now i realize for most, this example may seem farfetched and impossible to see in any kind of an emotionally tugging light, and that is ok. The fact of the matter sill stands that snails are, often times, at the mercy of humans. We can choose to throw them in the street, pour salt on them and watch them die slowly, or we can give them grace and direct them somewhere where they might be fed and have a place to live. Snails are a perfect example of the periphery. Sorry Grandma.

Self-Esteem Roller

Self-esteem is a delicate aspect of life, especially when in a transitional phase. One day can be amazing and the next, a nightmare. Sometimes, not unlike tonight, only a simple, small, unintentional occurrence can deal quite a blow to confidence and the like. I don't understand how a human, such as myself, is conditioned to convince himself that something so simple should have the privilege of dropping him down a peg or two. My worth has absolutely nothing to do with the thoughts or actions of others. So when a friend doesn't feel well and decides to relax and recuperate, resulting in the falling through of plans, why should i get upset? Rather, i should be empathetic, since there have been times where i have felt likewise, and understand the situation. However, i decided to let me convince myself that it was an incident worth making me feel a tiny bit less confident. Wrong. Self-esteem rollers, as i call them are incidences that are poisonous and created in the psyche. Self-esteem rollers should not exist and if we weren't cultured to place values on things and having everything go a certain way, then life would be so much easier. So, instead of sulking about it, i will find something else to do and know that no ill was meant and that a huge factor of life is grace, which is not only meant to be received, but given as well. It's a lesson in humility, not how to take one's self down. No more self-esteem rollers.

The Broken Boy's Anthem

This is what i feel to be an anthem of my life. As often as i try, i am never going to be perfect and I need grace, mercy, and love to fill the void. This is my prayer.

This life of mine is not on Your track.
This i know as a matter of fact.
I am broken, torn, bloodied, and bruised
Yet you still desire me, and so i must choose
To better this life and get back on the horse
Or to stay lukewarm and let life run its course.

I choose the former of the two,
This life shall be guided not by me, but you.
Pick me up when i am weary,
Don't let me wander off,
Keep hold of my heart and help me see clearly
For when the blind lead the blind, life will stop.
Living water, bread of life,
Through all times easy or strife
Sustain me and pull me through
Keep me close and take me home
Forever, Eternal rest with you.

I'll never be perfect or try to convince myself i am getting close, but i will live my life knowing it was given to me by the host.

Pulling Strings

This morning, while on my way to Walgreen's to get some Cold Medicine, i was stopped at an intersection, somewhat expectedly, by a red light. As i was sitting in my car listening to Lil' Wayne, a homeless man gazed at me, nodded, and simply went back to holding his sign without saying a word... mind you, my windows were already down. His sign said something along the lines of him being a veteran and contained the specific years during which he served (92'-96'). I sat for a second, took three dollars out of my pocket, and gestured for him to come get it. He took it from me thankfully and said, "Thank you sir, you have a nice day." As he began to return to his post on the curb, i asked him what his name was. Quickly he turned around and said, "Kenny. I served in the...(i can't recall which number he claimed) airborne". Still unsure whether i had given money to a respectable vet or a fraudulent drunk or any of the other million identities in between he could have possessed, i wished him a nice day and upon that walked back to the median and sat down. The light turned green shortly thereafter and i continued on my way to Walgreen's. While driving back past him on the way back to school, he was scarfing down a plate of food he had just purchased from somewhere. For reasons i can not describe, my eyes began to well up, as they are now while i write. I had I had a similar experience to this last year in OB, but i think my heart was in a different place this time. It caught me off guard, but more than that, it made me realize that regardless of this guys true identity, he is a hungry homeless man who just wanted some food. I don't know this guys life story, but i sure wish i did. It made me wonder why so few people care to help those who really need it. Sure, not every person you try to help will recover or get off the streets, but it is our job and our calling to help those in need. Just to clarify, i am calling myself out, too. Giving three dollars of my spare change to some guy is a good start to build a relationship, but as soon as i drove off, bought some stuff, went back to the comfort of my dorm, and then never thought twice about Kenny again, as will likely happen after i am done writing this... it is not enough. I could not avoid seeing him when i stopped. I did not go out of my way to love someone i would have otherwise never even known existed, or cared about it for that matter, My point is that we, as humans, have had a serious break down somewhere along the lines of prioritizing what matters most. I think that marginalized people, in our own country and others, should be much higher up on the TO DO, or in this case, TO HELP list, than all of our own preoccupations we like to call more important than all else.

What Am I?

What are my words worth if i don't know how to use them?
What are my thoughts worth if i only abuse them?
What is my heart for if it is always broken?
What is my life for if i don't allow the spirit to be spoken?

My life is invaluable, for i am a creation
A concept, a fact, a reason for libation.
No one can take life away from this soul
For when i am done breathing, there's more story to be told.
I have very few friends, but it doesn't really matter
Since i love those few despite how far we scatter.

I'm better than i've been, this much i know.
The light had been seen and i see it yet once more.
With this, i know which direction i shall go
It shall be forward and my heart is restored.

What are my words worth if i use them for good?
What are my thoughts worth if i use them as i could?
What is my heart for if it is mended by God?
What is my life for if i allow the spirit to be brought?

A whole more than i can currently fathom
It shall be so if i allow myself to have HIM.