I Have To Open My Eyes to Start Seeing

The seasons, the times, the weather and wear, have stripped away my seemingly impenetrable varnish. I once thought myself whole, but in reality, am only hole.
There is a hole in my heart, a hole in my soul trying to be filled by various things of my control.
The stumbling block from where I start is the scheme to control the condition of my heart.
Trying to steer the rudder on my own. Trying to grow under conditions, which formerly none have grown.
My case is no different. I am no miracle child. Worldly ways will not grow me, though more often than not I choose not to heed
The gap between here and there is neither here nor there, but all too important to how I poorly fair.
There are trials and tests, which are consistently failed, my life and blunders, by which I am constantly ailed.
I have seen the good road and it runs away from me, or so I like to think. The truth is, I run from it. It is not going anywhere for it is inanimate, but I can move if I want to, for I often have managed it.
The truth is my savior, but who is that to be? Numbness and carelessness or pain through which we shared all this? Or the pain of life and the sorrow of sin, the light of the true soul shone out from in.
All these we include in what often consists of interlude, though a pause in this scene is unproductive and naïve.
We give up our vigor for substance and a fake sense of fulfillment. We become blind and lead the blind instead being the leader of the line.
Shambles and disgrace, the continued corruption of the human race, all by our hands if we choose to sit and wait.
To wait until the end without consideration of the poor. Consideration of the sick, the uneducated, the robber, or the whore.
When we decide not to ignore we see the repercussions of our moral deformity. The scars the scabs, the cuts, the ulcers, in our hearts as it oozes and pulses.
The end is near but consists of beauty. We live our lives burdened with duty. We can pretend we don’t see it to numb the pain, or we can each be solutions never spent in vain.
I haven’t figured it out and I still have questions, but my purpose is clear whilst I pass through intersections. I will pass each new task with a cautious eye, an open heart, and open mind, no more actions gone awry.
My resolve may save me, but my human likeness may kill me. In the end he keeps no score, he will replenish and fulfill me.

6-16-10

A While

Its been a while since we last talked and some time has surely passed. It's been a while since we last walked together in the sun and light. It's been some time since we've communicated, but i don't worry, you know me and our relation has not dissipated. I've been hiding in caves, holes, and under water, breathing through a tube... i can't do it any longer. I came up and you spotted me and saved me. You carried me to shore, made me rest and gave me food. You deal with my flaws when nobody else should. The day that i die, is the day you say i'm alive and until then, together we ride. Switching directions like the wind, i am never consistent. My habits, thoughts, and humanity make me less than desirable as an apprentice or employee, but you hire me anyway. You give me something to believe in and someone to follow and a reason. A reason to wake up with a smile on my face even when i have finals and tests all in my face. This world goes on even after i'm gone and you make that clear when i try and pretend i am important. Humility and purity, selfless love, and the lot, at these you are good, but always, i am not. Still we roll on until the next dawn. How many more sunrises though, i don't know. It's not for me to say so i suppose i'll live in your shadow one more day. One more day as the lost lamb, though at the end of it all i'm the prodigal son. Lost and found, lost and found. Again and again, like a merry-go-round. We dance in circles and i try to escape, my legs are always tired and my mind gets wary. I can't keep up with your pace and feel life's a race. You sit me down and tell me that, that is not my place. I am a slow runner so why do i try and win. It's time to switch gears and help those within. Those who can't finish the race because they can't run. It's my turn to carry them and let them feel the wind on their face. I've enjoyed the luxuries the world has to offer and they are nothing compared to the love of you, my father. So for at least a day i am found again. Until i'm lost next, let's talk and instill. Even though i can't focus, i promise i will try to listen and sit still.

No sleep, can't speak, knees weak, tryin'a see.
Good Day, Good Lord, Early Morning, Long Stored.
Been waiting, anticipating. now it comes, one large sum.
Days are numbered, i waste on slumber.
Can't smell, can't hear. Quickly, instill fear.
Keep on living, lovely earth. One more day, what's life worth?
The end is coming, i'm surely doomed.
All terminal sinners, eternally subdued.
So, take us from here and make our slates clear.

5-25-10

You're the same as the rest.

An excerpt from a thought rant i was on a few nights ago:

The view from up here is stunning.
The little people with their guns, all running.
Slowly they die as they kill and fight
All over the field, i can see their insides.
We sit and drink tea and have a scone;
We are the only two left when everyone is dead or gone.
War is a glorious way to die.
For one's country, but no, not i...
No, I sit and drink tea with a scone.

What is war good for? Why do the high-ups never have to get their hands dirty and why are they worth more than anyone else. I apologize if you have an affinity for the military and are reading this, but how much of it is really, really necessary. I was at Camp Pendleton yesterday and watched countless copters fly by and tanks rumble down the beach, meanwhile the hovercrafts were running parallel to shore. How much money does that place spend every day on excessive drills and playing with toys so that they can say they are being productive. Why doesn't the military give to the community and impact the local area for the better while they are not deployed. I am not saying the military should not exist. They potentially sacrifice their lives to save ours, i just think they have better things to be doing while they are at home... and if they are about promoting the free and prosperous lifestyle, why not help people who are not prospering. You want more government programs, why don'y you enact something that will help us instead of simply making more corporations government owned so that they can still never make up for the federal deficit. Our countries morals are upside down and their definitions for things are misguided. If we can't do it right, who will? It's kind of a somber thought when you think into the thick of it. There are thousands of people who cant eat every day in this country, yet our military spends a lifetimes worth of food for a person on a quarter mile tank drill ,in gas. I'm just asking for us to be a little bit more considerate to those around us... and it should start with the government. The "leading example (arguable)" of our great nation.

Sourgrass

Thrillingly soft yet stunningly sweet
The sourgrass tells of they meet.
A reminder of times much simpler than now
When they cared a lot less and frolicked about.
The days of warm wind and sweet salty air
Sitting on the cliffs, the wind blew her hair.
The bluish-green eyes that glanced to the blue.
Exchange of subtle looks, he tries to keep cool.

He walks away and she wonders where
As he soon returns with an all too cool heir.
Revealing a bouquet of sourgrass to her,
He says, "here try it" she says, "are you sure?"
"Just try it, you'll like it, i know."
"Oh my! So sour, where does it grow?"
"All over the cliffs this time of year,
Little yellow flowers, there's some over here."

Now she thinks of it every time she sees him,
And every time he sees it, he's reminded of her.
He wonders if the outcome will be happy or grim.
Thinking and predicting, he could never be sure.
All he could know is what was the case...
The sourgrass will always remind him of her cute face.

Though, now 20 years has passed.
He remembers not when he saw her last.

3-30-10

Euphoria

Beauty, Essence, Wind, and Salt.
When you are here your whole world stops.
Now go below.
Kelp so long and mollusks abound.
Simply breath taking sights; never a sound.
Sand runs wild, reproducing at an ever increasing rate.
You can hardly keep track as it forever dissipates.
The mind moves so slow; all you think is what you see.
Simple, subtle, slow. Backlit beauty.

Brothers

The Devil and God are Raging Inside of Me.
Nobody said it better than Brand New.
At no point in time has it ever been more true.
Six months ago it was only the devil.
A year before that it was only God.
They've both got me now, in a state of slipshod.
Obviously i prefer to serve one over the other
But i combine the sides and ration;
I need my brother.

A heart that only knows God
with a mind that's shunned the devil.
This child of Christ shines light all over.
He's on another level.
This kid is my brother; and he is a gift.
His love has one goal and it never shifts.
For him it is not a means to an end.
He's simply a lover of the broken;
A passionate friend.
Whether you are whole, shattered, or bent.

Payton Randall Beckman,
Unbeknownst to him, his big brothers role model.
Surf, guitar, and a passion for arts.
Payton, my brother, from the bottom of my heart.
Payt, Paydin, Paytie, little bro, and Gator.
I Love You and thank you;
See you sooner than later.